What’s In A Name? Advocating for your name and others
For most of my adolescent life, I was called another name.
I was “She-tall” or “She-tale” to my classmates and teachers during my K-12 years. On some unfortunate days, I was even “Shit-tall” or “Shet-uhl Pet-uhl” because someone thought my first name and my maiden last name, Patel, were too similar to not be said together as a rhyme.
I hated it, but I didn’t realize how much I hated it until it was too late. I went too long without correcting anyone and was in too deep to make that change. And honestly, I did not have the words or the courage to correct my classmates and teachers so I stuck it out until college. That was when I decided that anyone who knows me would learn to pronounce my name the correct way. I introduced myself as Shetal (pronounced shee-thul) to all my new friends and classmates and if anyone had trouble I told them it rhymed with “lethal” and it worked. Over time, I went from people making fun of my name to people asking me about the meaning of my name. I went from people disregarding my name to people holding respect for my heritage. The transition was incredibly empowering.
Over a decade later, I was at a wedding when I ran into a high school classmate. He called my “name” from across the room but as accustomed as I had become to only hearing my name pronounced correctly I was oblivious to this person trying to get my attention. It wasn’t until he approached me that I recognized him but the person he was calling for, me, was unfamiliar to me. “She-tall” did not exist anymore. I explained to him that no one had called me “She-tall” in years, and to my surprise, he was utterly embarrassed for mispronouncing my name for so long. Had he known, he said, he too would have learned. Now I have no idea if that’s true, but it got me thinking. If someone had coached me or if I had the right language, or if I simply knew it was ok (no, preferred) to correct people, maybe I would have had the confidence to teach my classmates and teachers. Maybe then I would have felt safer and more comfortable bringing my whole self to school.
Now as an Indian-American parent, I feel a greater responsibility to ensure that my own children’s name is treated with the respect that they deserve. I recognize that to many a name is just a name, but to me, my name is part of my identity. To all the children who dread roll call at the beginning of every class, I feel you and I see you.
What do you do when your child’s name (and yours) is often mispronounced? I have found talking to them and coaching them on speaking up using the following points most useful:
Don’t feel guilty about wanting your name pronounced correctly. Your name is part of your identity and it is an important part of who you are and your heritage.
Set it straight from the beginning. The longer you wait the more awkward it gets. Most people genuinely want to pronounce your name correctly, so correcting them early on saves everyone the embarrassment.
Be polite, but direct. How? Try this statement:
“Actually, my name is pronounced “shee-thul”. People confuse it all the time!”
“No worries! I thought you’d want to know!”
Try adding humor:
“It’s better than being called a lot of other things” (wink wink)
“I blame my parents” (I use this one a lot- sorry mom and dad!)
Prefer a more indirect method? Try telling a story where you refer to yourself or send an email with your pronunciation spelled out in your signature.
Use repetition and a tip. I often tell people that my name rhymes with “lethal”. It always works and gives us a chuckle lightening the mood.
What if it’s your teacher, coach, or boss? Yes, the power dynamic here can make things difficult, but ignoring the issue can hinder progress. Correct your teacher after class and when it’s not in front of others. Be polite and provide any tips.
As parents, you can help your child by…
Introducing your child with the preferred pronunciation and offering any help or tips at Back to School Night, meet and greets, and student conferences.
Send an email introducing yourself and your child with pronunciation tips.
Talk to teachers directly and politely at the start of the school year. Say, “we’d prefer Shetal’s name be pronounced “shee-thul”.
Talk to your child about why this is important and that they have a right to have their name said correctly. This is not a huge ask and it does not burden others.
Encourage your child to practice correcting people with you. Provide statements and responses they can use. Come up with jokes or funny comebacks to give them alternative approaches.
When you are with your child, role model advocacy by correcting anyone who mispronounces your name and their name.
Children (and adults) feel cared for when their names are pronounced correctly. They feel that they matter and belong. They feel valued and safe. For many, it is not a simple mistake but a daily racial microaggression that carries on for years. By acknowledging that this matters and helping your child develop the skills to self-advocate and require that their name be said correctly, you are not only giving them a voice but you are validating who they are and that they matter.
Written by Shetal Shah
